For a lot of people, dating is something that requires a lot of effort. Trying to combine two personalities can leave a person feeling drained, tense and frustrated. When you are dating someone that has a child, or children, the effort is made that much more difficult. So what can you do when your dating efforts require that you consider more than just yourself and the person you are dating? Specifically, what can you do if you are dating someone with a child, or with children, and they don't like you or want you around? There are a few dating tips to remember that can help put everyone at ease and make your dating situation more comfortable for you, the person you are dating and most importantly, their children.

• Dating Tip 1 - Don't Take Rejection By Your Date's Child/Children Personally
  If you haven't done anything to your date's child/children, then the anger they may be showing you is not personal. Most kids want their parents together, no matter how dysfunctional their parent's relationship may have been. If they were old enough to understand that their parents relationship was ending, then they probably have a lot of anger and fear about their inability to control the situation. How a kid feels about a break up rarely stops parents from actually going through with the break up. The child may want the parents to stay together and may express their feelings to the parents. Typically, the parents aren't going to change their minds about leaving or staying based on the kids feelings. This leaves the kid feeling helpless. They can't control their parents so they make it their objective to control you. They may show a level of disdain for you that makes you question if being in the relationship is even worthwhile. You can't let this rattle you and you shouldn't lash out at the child. Recognize that this behavior is a symptom of a deeper hurt the child is feeling. It has nothing to do with you. They see you as a threat to their ideal scenario, which in most cases, is having their parents back together. It isn't about you and they would treat anyone that came into the situation the same way.


• Dating Tip 2 - Don't Try To Be A Second Parent To The Child
  OK. This may be hard to accept if you are dating the custodial parent and the non custodial parent is never around, but you are not the parent in this situation. However well meaning you are, you have to accept the fact that you are not the parent. You need to work to be a friend to the child/children. Doing this will establish a bond of trust and then the child/children will be open to listening to what you have to say.


• Dating Tip 3 - Don't Try To Bully The Child Into Submitting To You
  If the child doesn't like you being around, bullying the child isn't going to make it any better. You may be thinking that as long as the child stays quiet you can deal with them. This is the wrong approach. Kids that aren't allowed to express themselves often end up acting out in other ways. Sometimes those ways can have devastating consequences. Don't try to bully the child. You have to be understanding and compassionate. The child/children already feel like they have been given a raw deal. Don't amplify this feeling by threatening them. Besides hurting the child, if the child informs their parent about what you are doing, you are likely to lose the relationship. I know that I would end the relationship if I found out you were bullying my child. Most parents would do the same.


• Dating Tip 4 - Don't Try To Separate The Child From The Parent You Are Dating
  Doing this can have devastating effects on the child. If you have any kind of morals, you will never try to drive a wedge between the child and the parent you are dating. Children need to feel safe in order to feel happy. Not having their parents together has already taken away a portion of their safety net. Deep down in places they aren't even aware of, the kid realizes this. Trying to create discord or problems between the child and the parent only deepens the kids sense of not feeling safe. That is very painful for children. It is painful for them in ways that they aren't even able to express. The child doesn't dislike you because you are a bad person. They are acting the way they are because they are hurt. Don't personalize this to the point where you start being a hindrance to a strong relationship between the child and the parent you are dating. Kids need all of the security they can get.


• Dating Tip 5 - Never Say Negative Things About The Parent That Isn't Around
  Even if the parent is an absolute dead beat, it is not your place to state this to the child. You are not the parent. Let the child come to his or her own determinations about the type of person the other parent is. Saying negative things about that parent goes a long way in reinforcing the mistrust that the child already feels towards you because, in their minds, you are taking away their mom or dad. If the other parent is a bad person, let the child figure it out in time. The parent should inform the child that what the other parent has done or is doing is wrong, however, you should never say anything to diminish the image of that parent in the child's mind. It just isn't your place.


• Dating Tip 6 - Don't Ignore The Child
  Although it may seem that the child/children just wants you to crawl in a hole and die, this isn't the case. The child is acting out of anger. They are simply directing that anger toward you. It isn't right, but ignoring them isn't right either. Remember that you are the adult. You have to work to gain the child's trust by showing them that you are not out to hurt them. Sometimes it's hard for kids to get that point, but it is your responsibility to drive that point home. Ignoring the child is simply irresponsible and immature. You are the adult, so act like it.


• Dating Tip 7 - Don't Battle With The Child
  You are the adult in this situation. Don't get into verbal or mental battles with the child. Children are looking for somewhere to direct their anger and you have become the outlet. Don't get drawn into verbal confrontations with the child. You are older and hopefully wiser. Arguing with a child is not what you should be doing. If the child says something that is completely inappropriate, you must involve the parent you are dating. Don't take it upon yourself, initially, to correct the child's behaviour. The parent has to accept responsibility for that. Not you.


• Dating Tip 8 - Don't Try To Bribe The Kid
  Bribery is what people do when they don't have the skill to articulate their position and influence people. You are skilled and you are intelligent (You're reading my articles aren't you? That's a clear sign of intelligence! :-) )! You don't need to resort to bribery. Besides, bribery is rarely a solution that solves anything. In fact, it creates more problems because the kid now knows that they can push your buttons and get stuff.


• Dating Tip 9 - Don't Get Upset Or Angry If The Child Doesn't Seem To Respond To You In What You Consider To Be A Timely Manner
  It is not up to you to determine when or if the child/children should start responding to you and liking you. Kids have their own issues that are important to them. It has nothing to do with you. Don't set time limits for the child. This child is not your child and they have to come around when they come around - not one second or minute before.


• Dating Tip 10 - Don't Do Things To Make The Child Feel That They Can't Trust You
  If the child tells you something in confidence and it is a secret that you can keep (allegations of abuse or neglect are examples of secrets you should not keep), then keep it to yourself. If you run and tell the parent you are dating everything the child says, you may not be able to establish a relationship of trust. If you are in a situation where you want to tell the parent you are dating, then ask the child if this is ok first. You may intend to do it anyway, but asking makes the kid feel like they have some control - even if they don't. Building trust sometimes requires that you manage things the child tells you in confidence.


• Dating Tip 11 - Don't Make Fun Of Any Issues The Child May Have Or May Be Experiencing
  If the child has an issue or has developed an issue like bed wetting, don't make fun of the child. Problems like this are typically symptomatic of a bigger issue going on in the child's mind. Making fun of the child will only drive more of a wedge between you and the child. It will also lead to the child feeling additional resentment toward you.


• Dating Tip 12 - Don't Interrupt During Times When The Child Is Trying To Connect With The Child You Are Dating
  Give the person you are dating time to spend time with their child/children without you. You don't need to be involved in everything the child is doing with the person you are dating. Give them their space. Let them connect and draw strength from each other. Remember, security is the name of the game for children. Give the person you are dating time to provide that for their child. If the person you are dating wants to include the other parent, then you should respect that as well. Although you are in the picture, you were not in the picture when that child was created. That child has two parents and if one or both of those parents wants to spend time with the child at the same time, it isn't your place to try to interject yourself into that time. Step back and trust your relationship with the person you are dating.


• Dating Tip 13 - Don't Be Mean To The Child
  Children are sensitive. Even though they may be mean to you, it is often difficult for them to handle you being mean to them. When you are, it reinforces their feelings of mistrust for you and makes them want to avoid you even more. Don't fall into this trap. Treat the child with kindness no matter what they say or do. It is your job to be the mature, responsible adult. Remember that a kind answer turns away wrath in almost every case.


• Dating Tip 14 - Don't Try To Keep The Non Custodial Parent From Interacting With The Child
  Again, this isn't your place. If the child wants a relationship with the non-custodial parent, that is between the two parents and the child - not you. The child is trying to get through the situation mentally, they don't need you adding to their stress. Step back and let the person you are dating handle their child with the other parent.


• Dating Tip 15 - Don't Ignore The Rules Of The Custodial Parent
  If you are dating the custodial parent, don't ignore the custodial parent's rules to make the kid like you. This damages the parent/child bond. You have to remember that you are the adult. You can't start breaking the rules that the custodial parent has in place in the hope that the child/children will like you. Instead, work on being a friend and listening to their issues. If you do continue to overstep your place, the custodial parent may end the relationship with you. I know I would.

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