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Make Yourself Dateable: Getting Rid Of Guilt |
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Friday, 21 March 2008 |
Finding freedom from guilt is one of the hardest things we face as we come to terms with who we are and what we are about. We experience guilt for a number of reasons. Sometimes it's because we have done something that we feel bad about. Sometimes it's because something was done to us and we feel ashamed. That shame stems from feeling like we should have done more to prevent whatever happened or we should have done more after it did. The problem is that feelings of guilt can incapacitate you, hamper your ability to make sound decisions and end up locking you into a bottle of fear where your emotions and feelings are held captive. You feel a deep amount of regret for the things you have done or the things that were done to you. You tell yourself that you don't deserve to be happy and, that your lack of happiness is all your fault. You start believing that your only way to make things right is to make everyone else but yourself happy. You become overly consumed with what everybody thinks about you and you struggle hard to make those people happy because you don't deserve happiness or joy. So what can you do when those feelings of guilt consume every fiber of your being, you feel overwhelmed by your feelings of guilt and you are having trouble finding happiness in a dating relationship? There are a steps you can take to help rid yourself of the guilt you feel and come to terms with the reasons why you feel guilty.
Dating Tip: Getting Over Guilt Step 1
The beginning to coming to terms with the guilt you feel is to really identify where the fault should be placed for the thing or things you feel guilty about. If you are feeling guilty because of something that someone else did to you, you have to recognize that what happened was not your fault. For example, say that you were robbed and you left the window open that the robber came through. You may be feeling very guilty because you left that window open and the robber came in. The truth is that it wasn't your fault. A person should be able to leave their windows open without someone crawling through them. The person who is in the wrong is the robber - not you. You have to sit down and really go through the issues in your life and accept that some things are just beyond your control.
Sometimes we accept responsibility for things because we can't explain them. We don't know the reason for certain things so we force our minds to find a reason. The problem is that sometimes our minds follow the path of least resistance. We start telling ourselves that since we can't find a reason, we must in fact be the reason. When you sit down and examine where your feelings of guilt are coming from, you must be completely honest with yourself. Sometimes when we have been dealing with guilt for a long time, we make ourselves believe untrue things about ourselves and about the situation that precipitated the guilt. The only way you are going to heal is to be completely honest with yourself about where the fault should really be placed.
Dating Tip: Getting Over Guilt Step 2
After you come to terms with where the fault should be placed, you need to come to terms with how the issue that precipitated the guilt affected other people. If you did something to someone, you need to be honest about what you did and you need to make it right. There are a lot of people that tell you that you should keep what you feel guilty about if confessing would cause others harm. The problem with this is that you haven't taken responsibility for your actions. Part of what makes you feel guilt when you have done something wrong is that your beliefs were not in sync with something you've done. If it is no longer possible to right the wrong with the actual person you wronged, talk to someone else about what you did. A pastor, your doctor, a police officer, a close friend or a family member are all possible people you can talk to about the reason for your guilt.
If someone did something to you, you need to take the appropriate action to address what happened and put the situation to rest. If the person committed a criminal act against you, you must tell the appropriate authorities. Even if it would now cause others pain, it's time to put yourself first and take control of the situation. It wasn't your fault that the situation occurred and you shouldn't worry about what will happen when the truth comes out. The truth is what it is. If the situation was something that happened and it is not possible to address the issue with anyone else, accept this and resolve to let the situation go.
Dating Tip: Getting Over Guilt Step 3
After you have resolved the issue with the person you wronged or the person who wronged you, recognize that things may not go back to normal for you. You will face a daily battle as you work through cleansing yourself of your guilt. The key thing that you have to do now is to forgive yourself. This requires actually accepting that you are worthy of forgiveness and love. It requires accepting that no matter what happened, there is always a chance for forgiveness.
Letting go of guilt opens you up to feeling love. If you are willing to put in some effort, change the way you think about what has happened in your life and forgive yourself, you just may experience love in ways that you never realized.
Written By Kila Morton
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